I Get the Dumb Ass

Here’s a funny poem I wrote in 1995. It was one of the poems I read when I received the Hemingway Short Story Award at one of the parties of the event.

I Get the Dumb Ass

I get the dumb ass now and then,
Just to prove that I still can,
I’ll bite on trees, max the MasterCard,
Stick my fingers in the fan.

I get the dumb ass now and then,
Just to prove that I’m alive,
I’ll drink all day and work all night,
And somehow still survive.

I get the dumb ass easily
Most any time or place,
With my weakness for the wilder side,
The flirting eye and face.

I get the dumb ass day or night,
When it’s more than I can stand,
I’ll give the finger to the rednecks
From my psychedelic van.

I’ll charge a bull, jump off cliffs,
Slam dance into walls,
Piss on your shoes,
Start pit bull petting zoos,
It’s not trouble for me at all.

Read a dumb ass history,
I’ll be on every page,
Yelling out obscenities,
Like a madman in a cage.

I hear that it’s contagious,
So you better stay away,
Or soon you’ll be a dumb ass too,
And an awful price you’ll pay.

There’s no cure for my condition,
And I always make it worse,
And with these dumb ass thoughts in mind,
I’ll leave you with my verse.

–1995                      Rickey Pittman